5 Easy Steps in Learning How to Heal the Need for External Validation

The need to seek external validation to prove your self worth can lead to many things such as worsening your state of anxiety and depression instead of healing it. Think of the many times you’ve obsessively scrolled social media, comparing yourself with others and seeing how many likes and comments your posts got. Or when you call on your friend, mother/father, or significant other to validate your work. Seeking their opinion if you did a good job or not. Having their opinion to see what could be improved is one thing, but to constantly call on them to tell you whether what you’re doing in your life is good enough will only sink you deeper in a hole of questioning your worth. 

The complexities of how we measure our self worth in external validation is often deep rooted. 

Were you a high achiever growing up? High achievers might look like the child who, whether they were the oldest or not, felt the need to constantly get good grades, perform extremely well at everything they did, were the “good” girl or boy and gave themselves no room for error or to fail. They may have been praised really well for those achievements and scolded for not. This may have caused you to fight so hard to fit into a box. To make yourself seem perfect all the time and to depend on that praise to fill up your cup of self worth. This can be very damaging as you enter into the real world as an adult and continue that perfectionistic identity and dependence on validation from others. It can be crushing to anyone with this fragility as any perceived mistake or false step and loss of that external validation can cause a loss of identity of who you are. Questioning your self worth is the most damaging of all. 

To heal the need for external validation we first must go to the source of where that need came from. For most of us it will be from a deep childhood wound or from our upbringing in some way. Going deep within during a meditation practice or through talking with a therapist will help uncover those truths. Perhaps you suffered from emotional neglect from a parent figure growing up and the only way you learned to feel love was through external actions. Unpacking that can be a delicate process. So let’s do so gently. 

The following 5 steps will help ease you into learning to seek validation from within, and not from external sources. Following these steps will help guide you towards a path of true happiness and love that does not depend on others, but from within. And that energy is limitless.

Step 1) Talk to your inner child

Start telling your inner child all the things you needed to hear growing up. Tell your child how proud you are of them and how much you believe in them. You may not feel these feelings right away, most likely you won’t after enduring years of attaching your worth to someone else’s opinion of you. But once you start this daily practice until it becomes a habit, it will become and feel more natural to you and you will start to feel that belief and trust in yourself again. You can start by every morning, or even every time you look at yourself in the mirror, taking the time to tell yourself “I believe in you” and “I am proud of you”. You can continue with other positive affirmations for your specific needs to tell yourself, such as “I am enough” and “I am worthy”, but these are a good start to help. You can also do this by writing in your journal every morning or before you go to bed these statements and affirmations to yourself. Practice self loving words to help slowly replace that negative self talk in your head with belief in you. 

Step 2) Practice self-care to self-validate

The energy you use to seek validation for, whether it be through scrolling on social media or seeking it from someone in your life, use that energy instead to nurture and nourish yourself. You can do this through: 

• Yoga or any therapeutic exercise
• Meditation
• Journaling
• Reading your favorite book
• Taking a long hot bubble bath
• Buying yourself flowers
• Wearing your favorite outfit, even if you’re not leaving the house.
• Ordering your favorite coffee with the salted caramel drizzle or foam on top
• Planning something cool to do this year – now you have something to look forward to.
• Trying a wellness app like Headspace, Calm, or BetterHelp – an easy way to add intention to your day.
• Cleaning out your closet and only keeping what makes you happy. Donate the rest.
• Listening to your favorite music and going for a walk in nature.

These are just a few examples of how you can nurture and nourish yourself in simple ways. Each act of self care will slowly over time build your self love and self worth. 

Step 3) Honor yourself and practice saying no

The fear of saying “no” comes from your need to please people. The core of people-pleasing often comes from a fear of abandonment so it can be a hard habit to break, but it is still possible through baby steps. You can start by practicing saying “no” to small requests and once you have built up your confidence in your “no” you can move onto saying no to larger ones. This act of saying no to things you internally don’t want to do honors your wellbeing and the boundaries you hold within yourself. Everytime you say “yes” to things you really mean to say “no” to, you are taking away your power. Something that can help in regards to healing the attached abandonment wound is telling yourself “I am safe”, over and over as often as you need, especially before telling someone “no” for the first time. This will help calm your nervous system and help you feel more secure and grounded in your decision.

Step 4) Detach from emotionally draining and invalidating people

Take an inventory of your close and surrounding circle of people in your life. Is there anyone in your life who is depleting or discouraging you? Have any of these people violated or disrespected your boundaries? Slowly start detaching and distancing yourself from these people. Seeking validation from these energy vampires will only cause you more emotional distress. Eventually it will be necessary to learn how to not depend on anyone for validation, but a very crucial first step towards this is respecting yourself more and creating those boundaries with people who are not showing you that respect. 

Step 5) Surround yourself with nourishing and supportive people

Just as it is important to build belief in yourself it is equally important to surround yourself with people who will help build you up and support you in all the ways you need. Having positive people around you who will help encourage, inspire and support you in all the ways you need. It will be especially helpful to surround yourself with these encouraging people when you’re on this journey of building your own self-validation and learning the art of not weighing your worth on others. Energy uplifting people will help light the way for you as you walk towards yourself. As you learn to set better boundaries, learn to say no, learn to set aside time for self care, and learn to encourage and validate your own self, you will discover such weightless freedom. 

Final thoughts

These simple yet powerful acts will help you grow and go further than you know. These little baby steps are all building stones towards seeing all the value that you hold. Seeing your worth as far greater than what you let others dim it out to be. It is immeasurable. Releasing the need for external validation breaks yourself free from the bondage of comparing yourself to others. It releases the limits you bind yourself to when you no longer base your worth on the opinions others hold. That weight you carry is a heavy burden and it is time to let it go. Come back yourself. Nurture yourself. Validate yourself and you will see how far you can go. For it is only when you can lay all that is weighing you down that you will truly learn to fly.